Can Trans People Really Just Decide They're Another Gender?

How do you know that you’re the gender that you are?

Is it the shape of your body? Your physical traits? Or maybe it’s tied to what society expects from you in terms of what you wear or how you act? At first glance, many of us assume these things define gender.   

A big factor that holds a lot of aspiring allies of trans people back is this persistent, hard-to-shake thought that, really, trans people cannot just decide to be another gender - it’s fixed, decided at birth and unchangeable. Maybe you want to support trans and non-binary people, but deep down, you don’t fully understand and find yourself wondering: “Can someone choose to be another gender?” It feels confusing, stressful to voice, and that tension might be keeping you from being the ally you hope to be.

Even if this stressful thought isn’t spoken out loud, it is often reflected subconsciously in the way that some describe trans people – inadvertently creating distance from recognizing their gender. Phrases like, “She says she’s a woman”, “She feels like she’s a woman”, “He was a woman and is now a man” or “He is a they” can reflect an underlying doubt. If you’ve found yourself thinking this way, you’re not alone. 

But what if there was another way to approach it? What if we could stop and look at those thoughts more closely? In our Stress-Free Allyship sessions, TransFocus works with you through stressful thoughts, in this case: “Trans people are just deciding they’re another gender” - and explore different perspectives to uncover new insights. We reframe and flip this thought to create deeper understanding.

Ready to explore this thought further with us right now? Here is how:

First, consider this alternative perspective: “Trans people are NOT just deciding they’re another gender.” 

If gender is about physical traits, where does that leave people whose bodies don’t fit societal norms? If a woman undergoes a mastectomy due to breast cancer, does that mean she is no longer a woman? Then, what happens if we strip away all the external markers we associate with gender - how do we know what our gender truly is? When we dig deeper - past the physical traits that not everyone has, past the societal expectations that not everyone experiences, past all the noise of external influences, the answer becomes surprisingly simple: we just know. It’s a deep, intrinsic truth. And ultimately, that’s the key: that same inner certainty is exactly what trans and non-binary people experience. Their gender isn’t a trendy choice or a fleeting thought - it is the same profound, internal knowing that you feel about yours. In fact, many trans people try to suppress or deny this truth - sometimes for years - to make others comfortable or to protect themselves. But that knowing remains, and denying it often leads to deep pain.

Next, let’s turn the stressful thought back on ourselves: “I am just deciding trans people are another gender.” 

This reframing encourages self-reflection and promotes us to examine how our own assumptions shape our understanding. If we accept the first perspective - that trans people aren’t simply deciding their gender, but know who they are just like cisgender people do, then we can see how our belief that they’re “making a choice” comes from our own interpretation. Often, cisgender people project their own experience of gender onto trans people, without considering the unique perspectives and experiences that trans people go through. 

To help unpack this further, we ask a simple but powerful question: “What would it feel like if everyone around me - family, friends, teachers, coworkers, even strangers - insisted I was another gender?” Imagining that disconnect, that profound dissonance, can really shine a light on the emotional and physical toll trans people face when their true selves are dismissed or denied. It also helps us see how our belief - that trans people are “just deciding” their gender - stems from our own assumptions rather than their lived reality. By recognizing this, we can start to dismantle the biases that shape our understanding and move toward a more empathetic and informed perspective.

Ultimately, this is where understanding the difference between sex and gender identity is so useful. While sex is often associated with sex organs and hormones, gender is about how we know ourselves to be - the internal sense of who we are. For many, those two aspects align, but for trans and non-binary people, they may not, and recognizing this helps us move beyond assumptions and see that gender identity is not determined by someone’s body. By recognizing this distinction, we can shift our focus from trying to “figure it out” to celebrating the diversity of how people experience and express who they are. And that’s where meaningful allyship begins: not with a perfect understanding, but with an open heart and a willingness to listen and learn.

This insight - that our gender is more than just our bodies - can be profoundly reassuring for cis people as well. If your gender is rooted in an inner knowing, then if you were to lose sex organs or their functionality due to injury, illness or age, you might grieve that loss, but your sense of self would remain intact. You are still your gender, still yourself, no matter what happens to your body.

Join Us for a Free Stress-Free Allyship Demo

These are exactly the kinds of insights we explore in our Stress-Free Allyship sessions. Through guided dialogue and real-time reflection, we help allies tackle tough thoughts, challenge assumptions and discover new ways to show up for trans people. It’s not about memorizing the "right" things to say - it’s about building the inner confidence to engage authentically, to listen and learn, even when the path feels uncertain.

On January 23rd, we’re hosting a free 1.5-hour demo session to dive into another common challenge among allies: “trans people should tell us allies how to act and what to say.” This session will explore how allies can take agency, shift responsibility away from trans people and reduce the mental and emotional load often placed on trans people’s shoulders. You’ll leave with practical tools and a fresh perspective to navigate allyship with independence and care.

This demo is the perfect chance to see if our Stress-Free Allyship sessions, launching in January, could be a good fit for your team. Reserve your spot for our January 23rd demo session today - spaces are limited, so don’t wait! Together, let’s make allyship less intimidating and more empowering, one thought at a time. 

Share Your Thoughts with Us

We also want to hear from you! Take a moment to fill out our quick survey and help us understand where you’re getting stuck when it comes to stressful thoughts around allyship. Your input will directly shape future sessions and resources, making them even more impactful for allies like you.